


Milk (or how Steve is lactose intolerant, Sam chases him through NYC, and Bucky saves the day)

by papesdontsellthemselves



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, and that time sebastian stan was like, kinda lmao, lactaid, lactose pills, references to that video where Cevans called himself a meatball, steve is LACTOSe IntoLerant, this is based solely off that oneminuteman video, what does the doggy say? bow wow, what does the kitty say? meoew moew, what does the moo cow say? AHHH
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-08-17
Packaged: 2020-09-02 13:24:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20276617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/papesdontsellthemselves/pseuds/papesdontsellthemselves
Summary: Y'all know that one video on Oneminutemen (sebastian stans and his friend's like skit account on instagram) where sebastian runs through nyc to give his lactose intolerant friend his lactose pills after he fuckin DOWNs a glass of milk?WellI made that into a fic:)





	Milk (or how Steve is lactose intolerant, Sam chases him through NYC, and Bucky saves the day)

**Author's Note:**

> I heavily implore you to go watch MILK on Oneminutemen's instagram.

“Man, you gonna drink your milk?”

Steve swallowed, eyeing the still full glass of 2% milk that sat on the table between him and Sam. He’d bought it out of pure obligation, panicking at the last second at the counter when they’d been placing their orders at the local coffee shop. Sam had given him a sidelong glance when he’d stuttered out a meek, ‘just some milk, please…’, reminding him in a hushed tone that he was lactose intolerant, but Steve had just waved it off. He had lactose pills on him, anyway. He always did.

Clearing his throat, Steve picked up the glass, feeling his heart rate spike as he downed it in two large gulps. He kept a determined glare on Sam, ignoring the raised eyebrows that were aimed at him and fishing into his day bag for the box of Lactaid he carried around everywhere. 

But when he reached inside to grab a few pills, the box was empty. 

Steve gulped, biting his lip a bit as he tipped the box over, watching as wrapper scraps flitted down onto the table. To say he was lactose intolerant was an understatement. If he could take the intolerance and times it by ten, that would still make the diagnosis too kind. 

Soon his stomach would start to hurt and oh boy was it downhill from there.

He needed some lactose pills. Stat.

“You alright?” Sam was looking at him, his expression a careful mixture of amused and concerned.

Steve smiled again, feeling the strain on his face, “Yeah, totally, I’m gonna just…” he gestured vaguely towards the door to the cafe, then booked it out of his seat, ignoring Sam as he called out after him.

He was running, but to where, he didn’t know. A CVS maybe? There had to be a CVS around here. But no, oh fuck, he’d left his wallet in the coffee shop. Shit, which direction was that in again? Where even was he? How far had he run in those few minutes since he’d fled the shop. Damn the supersoldier serum. It could grant him unmatchable speed, but couldn’t cure his fucking lactose intolerance? Typical.

Steve grimaced, bending in half to rest his hands against his knees. He could already feel his stomach cramping. This was bad. 

With a shaking hand, he pulled his phone out of his pocket. Desperate times.

XXX

Bucky was pulled abruptly from his nap by a loud siren blaring. Jolting awake, he braced himself for a moment before realizing that it was his phone that was causing the alarm and not some bomb about to be dropped straight into his bedroom. He’d have to change that ringtone to something a little more...peaceful. Maybe some of that generic IPhone music. Or All Star by Smash Mouth. Peter and Shuri had played that song for him the other day and it had immediately become a favorite. Which, for some odd reason, had sent the two teenagers into hysterics. Kids. He’ll never understand them.

He fumbled for his phone, briefly noting the caller before holding it to his ear.

“Steve?”

“Bucky!” Bucky sat up straighter, alarm shooting down his spine at the obvious panic in Steve’s tone.

“Steve? What’s wrong, aren’t you with Sam? What-”

“Do we have lactose pills?” Steve’s voice still sounded tense and Bucky frowned.

“Don’t you carry them with you? I don’t-”

“Buck, please, just check. Do we have lactose pills?”

Bucky shook his head, a little dumbfounded, “Why?”

Steve made a strangled noise and it was then that Bucky tuned into the bustling sounds of the city coming from the other end of the line, “Long story. Basically, I panicked at the coffee place and ordered milk and then Sam stressed me out so I drank the whole glass thinking that I had lactose pills on hand but I didn’t and-”

“Why didn’t you check if you had them before you drank the milk?”

“Because I’m a fucking idiot- a meatball- a complete- ohhhhh,” he cut himself off with a pained groan and Bucky winced, sympathetic.

“Calm down, okay, I’ll bring you some fucking lactose pills. Where are you?”

“I don’t know. Just, meet me in Central Park somewhere? I left Sam and my wallet back at the shop.”

Bucky nodded to himself, already making his way downstairs and slipping on his shoes, “Hang tight. I’ll be there soon.”

With another groan, Steve hung up.  
Bucky sighed, turning towards the kitchen. It was go time.

He peeked into the cabinet, frowning deeper when the familiar blue box of Lactaid was nowhere to be seen. 

“Shit,” he hissed, moving instead to the dishware cabinets. 

In a panic, he shoved the plates and cups on the floor, hearing them shatter behind him as he frantically searched for what he was looking for. Bowls and spoons went flying. Knives were yanked from their place. Napkins were strewn across the room. Bucky did a few push-ups to recalibrate, then raced through the wreckage and climbed on one of the counters, rooting through the topmost cabinet.

Then he spotted it.

**Steves Emergency Dairy Pills.**

Bingo.

XXX

Steve’s feet pounded on asphalt. He was screaming, he knew that, but it felt like he was having an out of body experience as he flew through the city. Cars honked and people on bikes swerved. Angry shouts followed him as he ran, but he couldn’t hear them over the ever growing pain in his stomach.

Distantly, he could hear Sam’s distinct voice calling after him, yelling for him to slow down. But he ignored him. He had to get to Central Park. He had to get to Bucky. And not for the slightly (very) homoerotic reasons he was usually running to the other man.

Sliding over the hood of a car and tripping a bit as he regained his footing, he spared a glance behind him, spotting Sam running through crowds of shocked pedestrians.

What a sight this must be. Captain America running through the city, looking insane and feeling stressed beyond belief while The Falcon followed behind, chasing after him with his forgotten wallet and yelling for him to slow down. If he weren’t actively dying of lactose consumption, Steve would probably laugh. 

He entered The Park, tumbling into a pile of leaves and coughing a bit as dirt filled his mouth. 

“FUck-shit- ow- Jesus, Mary and Joseph-” he let out a colorful string of profanities as he launched himself back to his feet, taking off through the park.

XXX

Bucky ran as fast as his supersoldier serum infused body would allow him, the jar of emergency lactose pills tucked securely under his arm. He’d had half a thought to call Tony and ask to borrow one of his suits, but that would probably take a while to arrange and Steve needed his lactose pills now.

He set his face in a determined scowl and willed himself to run faster, rounding a corner into Central Park and snatching a pretzel out of an unknowing vendors hand, shoving half of it in his mouth as he plowed on.

His legs were screaming, but Steve was screaming louder.

Or Bucky assumed that the screaming he could hear was Steve’s.

He followed the sound, cutting random corners and climbing a hill just in time to see Steve running jaggedly towards a pond, Sam following behind closely to intercept.

“SAM!” Bucky halted at the top of the hill. Sam startled, turning around and spotting Bucky. His face flashed through confusion, then relief. Bucky held up the jar like a football, prepping to throw it, “CATCH THIS!!!”

Time seemed to slow as he threw the jar. Steve froze where he had been about to walk into a pond. Sam dove to catch the pills. Bucky ran to tackle Steve. People were filming. He could hear a few cameras shutter. Then, everything was still.

“Oh, thank god, thank fuck- oh my stomach feels like shit,” Steve cried, grabbing packets of lactose pills and opening them, shoving them in his mouth.

“You almost fucking DIED, man,” Sam said, handing him a water bottle.

“Jesus, Steve, you’re gonna choke,” Bucky said, helping him drink the water and watching a little helplessly as Steve continued to stuff his face with the Lactaid.

“More- I NEED MORe.”

When the jar was empty (Bucky and Sam exchanged a look, because there had been at least a hundred pills in that jar and Steve had eaten _all of them in a minute flat what the actual fuck_) Steve collapsed into Bucky’s side still crying and mumbling incoherently about how much pain he was in.

Sam settled down on his other side.

“I’m never fucking drinking any fucking dairy again, fuck cows and fuck everything they stand for,” Steve sobbed.

“Well,” Bucky sighed, “You know what the moo cows says…”

“What?”

“AHHHHHHH.”

**Author's Note:**

> hehehe  
feedback is always appreciated!


End file.
